The problem with an article like this, with a headline like the one above, is that when I'm writing I already know that you've come here purely to see my humiliation - to watch the fool dance - and, really, everything else here that I write in the meantime is to a large degree pointless.
A big chunk of you have probably already scrolled to the bottom of the page for the video and the pics. Maybe you've even let me know how disgusting you think I am without reading what I have to say. And I get it.
But for those of you who are still here, maybe those who are hoping for some reasoning, for some justification why any presumably sane man would do such a thing, then I guess I should talk about the LifeStraw...
It might be the start of 2017 and your Instagram might be letting everybody know you're hitting the gym with all of the excitement of a dog going out into winter's first snow but, outside of your privileged bubble of fitness apps and post-work out selfies, the world's still a pretty grim place.
One in 10 of the world's population does not have access to clean water, and more than 315,000 children die every year from diarrhoeal diseases caused by unsafe water and poor sanitation.
The LifeStraw, previously named as a 'best invention' by Times magazine, provides a solution to the problem of unclean drinking water by enabling users to drink it safely from most contaminated sources.
Studies show that the device - which can fit into any standard pocket - is able to remove a minimum of 99.9999 percent of waterborne bacteria, making it perfect for use in on-the-ground relief for humanitarian crises. It could even provide a solution to the devastating problem of unsafe drinking water in the developing world.
The LifeStraw has recently been seeing an increase in purchases in Britain for reasons outside of its intended use, instead every wannabe Bear Grylls has been adding it to their 'survival kit'.
I'm going to admit that, personally, it's a bit foreign to me. The only time I sleep out in a tent is at a festival, where if you asked around the crowd you'd find the only straw in demand is a rolled up £10 note. But a quick Google search tells me that there are growing online communities of 'survivalists' training themselves for World War III.
You'd think that, in the fallout of a nuclear strike, your frame of mind would be too awry to concentrate and remember anything you planned on an Internet forum years in the past. Who, in all seriousness, would be doing anything other than screaming and shitting themselves after a bomb had blitzed their city?
But that's just me. Maybe I'm wrong. So I tried out the LifeStraw to see what it was made of.
PUDDLE WATER
Around this time of year the rain pours down from grey skies around LADbible HQ and mixes together the muck and leaves and tab-ends into puddles of mush - which seemed the perfect first test.
This is probably the closest my experiment got to mimicking the intended use of the straw. Although I'm not sure whether any of the water outside the office was rife with E Coli or Cholera, considering that I collected the water when I was on a Saturday shift, there's a good chance that some sesh-head had spat and/or vomited in the vicinity of the puddle the night before.
My expectations weren't good. But I shut my eyes, and hoped for the best.
Result: Surprisingly pleasant. Although there's no denying there was a slightly earthy taste to it, overall it didn't taste anything like you'd have expected if you were to drink a muddy puddle straight from the ground. In the event of a natural disaster, I think I could even deal with drinking water that tasted like this full time.
GRAVY
Good on chips. Good on fish. Good on pies. Good on roasts. Good on... you get my point. There's not much better than gravy mixed up thick so you can really taste it: none of that watery bollocks masquerading as gravy that you sometimes get. But there were worries here, like: would it clog up the straw?
Result: This was the point at which I came to appreciate just how good these straws were. I was expecting some residual taste of Bisto, but besides saltiness it was pretty drinkable. If a gravy granule asteroid hit earth and I wound up in some gravy-infested dystopia, I would gladly live my last days using one of the straws to drink at the gravy. Hell, life probably wouldn't seem that different.
BEER
The straw was faring better than I'd expected so I thought it was time to really put it through its paces. Realistically, no sane man would ever want to turn beer back into water. Let's remember even Jesus used his genetically acquired talents to get him and his friends on the razz - but with a couple of cheap Aldi beers hanging around the house I figured what the hell.
Result: Anyone who has had a Sunday written-off thanks to drinking one-too-many of them, will know that the taste of the four percent 'Galahad' bevvie is far from weak. Yet, after drinking it through the straw, the taste of it was barely different from tap water. I'm not sure whether the straw removed the alcohol from it, but if it didn't there was none palatable.
HUMAN URINE
By this point in the experiment I'd become pretty confident of how good it was and I was wondering what extremes I could take it to. I had ticked off puddle water, gravy and beer - but none of these seemed to hit the real depths of human desperation that the straw was intended for.
Then it hit me. I drank a big bottle of still tap water and headed to the toilet. After I emerged I dodged a colleague's question about the steaming yellow bottle of piss in my hand, 'oh this, no it's nothing, just something I'm doing for an article, nothing to worry about' and headed to put the LifeStraw through it's final trial.
I'd try to describe it, but it's probably better you watch the video...
Result: It's claimed that you taste with your eyes and nose as much as you do your mouth. Nobody wants that with piss.
The LifeStraw promised me to strip down the rotten state of unfiltered urine to something akin to warm white wine. Sadly for me it failed.
After removing the bacteria, all that remained was salt water.
And if you've ever been unlucky enough to swallow a big gulp of sea at the beach, you'll have discovered that salt water is an emetic. Necking my own leak? Fuck that. I have no idea how I held it down.
After this I really had nothing to else to look forward to. I should have started with it. Returning to the office was a weird one, because I had to be professional, look people in the eye and carry on as normal. But I'd just spent my lunch break drinking piss. I had to live with that until I went to bed later that night.
So what did I learn from all this? Well, I guess the LifeStraw will prove pretty useful if President Trump decides to apply the same logic to the nuclear codes that he does to Twitter, but if you're looking to recreate the famous 'piss-to-water' scene from Castaway, you're probably going to have to look elsewhere.
FAQs
Is it necessary to drink my own urine movie quote? ›
Patches O'Houlihan : Necessary? Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine? No, but I do it anyway because Its sterile and I like the taste.
Is it good to drink your own urine in a survival situation? ›Many claim that in a survivalist situation, drinking your pee when you're out of water can save you from succumbing to dehydration. The fact is this is simply… false. Not only will your urine not rehydrate you, it will have the opposite effect and dehydrate you at a faster rate.
Is it necessary to drink my own urine no but I do it anyway because it's sterile and I like the taste? ›Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine? Peter La Fleur : Probably not. Patches O'Houlihan : No, but I do it anyway because it's sterile and I like the taste.
Is it safe to drink your partner's urine? ›Urine is not sterile when it leaves the kidneys, and it must pass through the urethra and come into contact with the skin as it leaves the body. Bacteria is present in urine, even in that of healthy people without infections. Drinking someone else's urine may expose a person to numerous diseases.
Why you shouldn't pee before you need to? ›Emptying your bladder consistently before it is full, sends a signal to the brain that the bladder needs to be emptied when it is really only partially full. This can cause the bladder to shrink in size and may lead to changes in urge (ex.
Should I pee or no? ›In general, you should go when you feel the need to go! Here are some of the dangers of holding your pee: If you don't empty your bladder often enough, or go a couple of days without emptying it all the way, it can result in a urinary tract infection (UTI).
Is clear pee good? ›Is clear urine always a good thing? In most cases, clear urine is a sign that you're well hydrated. And that's a positive thing because good hydration helps your body function at its best. But, in some cases, clear pee may mean that you're drinking too much water and you're too hydrated.
What is urine made of? ›Human urine is composed primarily of water (95%). The rest is urea (2%), creatinine (0.1%), uric acid (0.03%), chloride, sodium, potassium, sulphate, ammonium, phosphate and other ions and molecules in lesser amounts30 (Table 1). Protein is only found in trace amounts compared to their values in blood plasma.
Can you drink urine through a LifeStraw? ›LifeStraw products do not remove dissolved salts and are not designed to be used to drink non-diluted urine. Because of this, we do not recommend drinking urine with any LifeStraw product in even low amounts.
What are the disadvantages of drinking your own urine? ›Drinking your own urine isn't advisable. It can introduce bacteria, toxins, and medications into your system. There's no reason to think that drinking urine would benefit your health in any way. There are much more effective routes for getting a high dose of vitamins and minerals.
Do you still pee if you dont drink? ›
As you “lose” body water without replacing it, your blood becomes more concentrated and, at a point, this triggers your kidneys to retain water. The result: you urinate less.
What happens when you drink but don't pee? ›If you've been drinking normally and just can't go, you should contact your healthcare provider. You might have some kind of blockage. It's especially important to get medical help if you know you have problems with your kidney, your heart or your lungs.
Is Dry Urine bad for you? ›Although the results may be unpleasant and disturbing, Callahan said they are not dangerous. "It's not harmful because those are dried and sterile," he said, "They're not going to have viruses or bacteria growing in them."
Is it possible to urinate while erect? ›It is possible to pee with an erection, but it'll take some effort.
Is Pee bacteria free? ›The bottom line. Despite the rumors, urine is not a sterile substance. It naturally contains bacteria that renders it a nonsterile substance. While the bacterial levels are likely low, it's important to understand the implications of drinking urine, either for your health or survival.
Should you pee before coming? ›Hutcherson explains that from a pleasure standpoint, urinating before sexual activity is a good idea. "When some women get close to orgasm, they feel like they need to pee, which means that it changes their focus to their bladder," she says. "It gets in the way of them reaching orgasm."
Should I not pee in shower? ›The bottom line is that peeing in the shower is unlikely to harm you. So whether it's part of your water-saving efforts or you can't stop the flow sometimes, it's pretty much fine to pee in the shower. Just make sure you are using your own shower.
Is it better to pee before ejaculating? ›It makes sense to urinate before engaging in sexual activity from the perspective of pleasure. Some people experience the urge to urinate as they approach an orgasm, which shifts their attention to their bladder. It prevents people from experiencing orgasm.
Should guys pee after they come? ›Should men pee after sex, too? There's no harm in males peeing after sex, but there's not as much benefit. A male's urethra is longer than a female's, so they don't usually get post-sex UTIs. Common causes of UTIs in men include kidney stones and an enlarged prostate.
When I pee it tingles at the end? ›The most well-known and easily recognizable symptom of a UTI is pain or discomfort when urinating. Oftentimes, this pain manifests itself as a tingling or burning sensation, and such pain indicates there is bacteria in the urethra.
Is peeing for 10 seconds normal? ›
On average, it shouldn't take longer than 30 seconds to urinate, Freedland said. “Once you get going and it takes you a minute to empty your bladder, that's a problem. That's not normal.” How you position your body can also help, experts said.
What is the healthiest color of pee? ›The most optimal color for your urine is a pale yellow. If it is a darker yellow or orange, it can mean you are becoming dehydrated. An orange urine could indicate a serious liver condition. Darker brown can be caused by foods or medication.
What color is healthy pee? ›“Normal urine is pale yellow to amber in color and is clear. Darker urine is often a sign of dehydration. If you notice that your urine is darker than normal and you have no other symptoms, try drinking some more water and see if this helps your urine return to a lighter color,” Alyssa said.
Why is my pee foamy? ›Foamy urine is a sign of protein in the urine, which is not normal. “Kidneys filter the protein, but should keep it in the body,” explains Dr. Ghossein. If kidneys are releasing protein into the urine, they are not working properly.
Why is pee yellow? ›Newton says a pigment called urochrome, or urobilin, causes the yellow color in urine. Your kidneys filter out this byproduct from your bloodstream and it exits your body in urine. The more fluids you drink, the lighter the color of the pigment in your urine. The less you drink, the stronger the color.
What color is urine? ›Regular urine color ranges from clear to pale yellow. But certain things can change the color. Foods such as beets, blackberries and fava beans can turn urine pink or red, for example. And some medicines can give urine vivid tones, such as orange or greenish-blue.
How do you clean urine to drink? ›Water purification tablets is another quick way to drink your urine, because they're small and easy to carry, but they usually contain iodine which kills bacteria and not all of the specific waste products in your urine. Building a solar still is the best way to go, but more time consuming.
Can clean water be extracted from urine? ›Using membrane distillation, the scientists were able to remove 95 percent of ammonia from the urine. The urine is heated in a solar-powered boiler, then passes through a membrane separating water from nutrients such as nitrogen and potassium, which may be used to make fertilizers.
Can I drink ocean water with LifeStraw? ›Can you use LifeStraw to drink sea/salt water? No. The minerals in salt water are simply too small to be filtered. The same goes for urine.
How long can you drink your own urine? ›How long can you survive by drinking pee? An extra day or two, at best. A healthy person's urine is about 95 percent water and sterile, so in the short term it's safe to drink and does replenish lost water.
Is urine harmful to skin? ›
Berg et al. explored the role of urine in the development of diaper dermatitis and found that urine increases the permeability of diapered skin to irritants and can directly irritate skin when exposure is prolonged.
How often is it safe to drink urine? ›You can drink urine 1-3 times before it becomes too concentrated.
Why do I feel peeing after peeing? ›A urinary tract infection (UTI)
Besides frequent urination, signs of a UTI include fever, a burning feeling when you pee, discolored urine and constantly feeling like you need to pee (even after peeing). You may also feel bladder pressure or discomfort in your back or around your pelvis.
When you do pass stool however, the relaxation of the stronger anal sphincter also decreases tension in the weaker urinary sphincter, allowing urine to pass at the same time.
Is peeing every 2 hours normal? ›What's normal and how many times is too frequent to urinate? Most people pee about seven to eight times per day, on average. If you feel the need to pee much more than that, or if you're getting up every hour or 30 minutes to go, you might be frequently urinating.
Have not urinated in 12 hours? ›Anuria, sometimes called anuresis, refers to the lack of urine production. This can happen as a result of conditions like shock, severe blood loss and failure of your heart or kidneys. It can also be due to medications or toxins. Anuria is an emergency and can be life-threatening.
What if my 1 year old hasn't peed in 12 hours? ›Call your doctor if your baby or child has a dry mouth, fewer tears than usual, and no wet diapers or hasn't urinated in more than 6 hours. Get emergency help right away if your child or baby is very sleepy and hard to wake up, or if your baby or child hasn't had any wet diapers or hasn't urinated in 12 or more hours.
Why do we pee less in summer? ›During summer when the surrounding temperature is high, we lose water in the form of sweat, direct evaporation considerably. Hence kidneys retain water for maintaining fluidity of the blood and less urine is formed.
Is urine taste bad? ›The taste of urine varies from watery to slightly biter, sour and even sugary. Normal urine is usually salty and somehow bitter. A sweet tasting urine may be the first sign we have of diabetes. Jaundice makes urine taste as bitter as gall.
What kills human urine smell? ›Make a solution of baking soda, peroxide and any dish detergent. The combination of the three is often powerful enough to drive away strong urine smells. The solutions is eight fluid ounces of peroxide, three tablespoons of baking soda, and a few drops of dish detergent.
Does urine cause bed bugs? ›
Bed bugs. If you aren't keeping your mattress clean, there's the chance you could be hosting some uninvited guests. Bed bugs love warmth, histamine, and carbon dioxide which unfortunately means urine on a bed makes a perfect environment for them.
Does morning wood last longer? ›Most morning erections tend to last for a few minutes after awakening but can persist for longer. Despite what some think, these erections are not so much associated with "sex dreams" as they are certain parts of the sleep cycle—namely, REM sleep.
Can urine heal wounds? ›No, urine does not help heal wounds.
Can pee grow bacteria? ›Most of the time, your urine is sterile. This means there are no bacteria growing. On the other hand, if you have symptoms of a bladder or kidney infection, bacteria will often be present and growing in your urine.
Is urine flammable? ›Urine is not flammable. The composition of urine is 91-96% water. The other % is a mixture of nitrogen compounds such as creatine, urea, sodium chloride, potassium, dissolved ions, and uric acid.
Is it necessary for me to drink my own pee? ›Drinking your own urine isn't advisable. It can introduce bacteria, toxins, and medications into your system. There's no reason to think that drinking urine would benefit your health in any way. There are much more effective routes for getting a high dose of vitamins and minerals.
What is the quote from dodgeball ball? ›Today, we salute the Average Joes with some of the movie's best quotes: "If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball." "Remember the 5 D's of dodgeball: Dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge."
What does it mean to drink your own urine? ›Urine is mostly water, but it also contains urea and other waste products, salts, ammonia, and more. Because urine contains waste products, drinking it can force your kidneys to work even harder or expose you to unnecessary toxins. This could cause illness, electrolyte disturbances, or kidney damage.
Who is the person who drinks his own urine? ›Urophagia is the consumption of urine. Urine was used in several ancient cultures for various health, healing, and cosmetic purposes; urine drinking is still practiced today.
What is a dead ball when it comes to dodgeball? ›Dead ball: A ball that hits an object, surface, or teammate before the player, or a ball declared as a dead ball by the referee. Live ball: A ball that has been activated (see General Rules #5).
What are the catchy dodgeball slogans? ›
Dodgeball slogans and sayings like Mess with the best, go down like the rest! and Grab life by the ball will get you ready for the game.
What was the best quote from the movie dodgeball? ›- White Goodman: Stick it in your ear, La Fleur. ...
- Peter La Fleur: You're right, White. ...
- White Goodman: That's preposterous! ...
- Kate Veatch: Globo Gym is a publicly-traded company, there's nothing you can do about it.
Former Mexican boxer Juan Manuel Marquez revealed that he drank his own urine before his fight with fellow veteran Floyd Mayweather in 2009. Former Mexican boxer Juan Manuel Marquez revealed that he drank his own urine before his fight with fellow veteran Floyd Mayweather in 2009.
Is the urine sterile? ›Adult human urine is not sterile. The resident bacterial community may contribute to urinary health and disease in undiscovered ways. Bacterial genomic sequencing and expanded urine cultures techniques are major complementary tools for scientific exploration in urologic research.
What do you call someone who likes to drink urine? ›Urophagia, also known as urine therapy, is the technical name for drinking your own urine to improve your health.